This statement is from the handout in class: Another scholar, Zelda Seagraves, also shared with the instructor recently her view that tension between single Black women and the fathers of their children could emerge largely from their frustration at seeing their children struggle and often feeling somewhat powerless in the effort to raise the kids as best as they would want. Do you agree? If so, what would be a good "name" for this phenomenon?
OR
Many scholars have written about the challenges faced by the growing Black middle- and upper-class. While they have achieved professionally, they still encounter internal and external struggles. Briefly discuss your take on this phenomenon and come up with a name for it.
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To answer the first question I have the following response: There may be tension between the single black women and fathers due to several reasons. On a personal note, having been raised by a single parent once my parents divorced, it could be a "guilty complex" on behalf of both the parents. They could be asking themselves, could we have stayed together to see that our children are raised properly? Could we have sacrificed our own personal desires for the sake of the children? On the other side of this, just because the parents did not stay together, what role of the father did the mother allow him to play in the child's life or did she allow him any space/time in the child's life? Many contributing factors could be weighed in this situation. I would name this phenomenon " The Guilt Complex."
ReplyDeleteI have a son that was raised in the home with both parents and we separated after he finished high school. My response to this issue: I believe single parents can and have been successful in raising their children and I am not saying I have the answer, but I have worked with some angry children and I see it in my own son. One day I took a good, long look at the boys I was working with and it was about 10 and they were living without a dad in the home. Instead of guilt, I feel pain, because their are so many hurting young men. I know this is personal, the guilt I had was that I stayed in a relationship that rejected my son too long. I agree with Dana, could we have sacrificed our own personal desires for the sake of the children? In my opinion, the role of man is important in his son/daughter's life so I would name this phenomenon, "Sacrifices"
ReplyDeleteI am a single parent and have been by choice. However, many in society think that it is morally wrong to birth a child out of wedlock. There is a stigma that a single parent can not rear a child as well as a two-parent household. Because there are so many in society that fail to realize that just because a child is reared in a two-parent household does not mean that they will be a well adjusted child free of problems and hassles. I do agree with Dana that the father should play an important role in their child's life, but the mother role is just as important.I would name this "The Stigmas of An One Parent Households."
ReplyDeleteHonestly I don't know why single mother's and their child's or childrens father have tension. I know, as a product of a single parent home, that the tension between my mother and father growing up was always about my father wanting to do other things rather than tske care of his responsibilities. My father thought money could solve all the problems when my mother just wanted him to spend time with his child. Alot of people put a stigma on single parent homes, but persons coming from single parent homes can be successful justt like persons coming from 2-parent homes.
ReplyDeleteI've heard young girls say, "I wanna have his baby" without a clue of what is actually required to raise healthy, happy children. They are young and naive and have made no concrete plans for parenthood. Still they insist on having children. I call this "Clueless Parenting Syndrome."
ReplyDeleteResponding to Keisha's blog, some single mothers are made to feel that without a man in the household, they are incapable of rearing good respectable children. Also, the tension comes in when the absent fathers pay child support, they seem to feel that they should have some say in how their child is reared.
ReplyDeleteI would call this phenomenon " displaced oppositional parental conflict". If two adults cannot communicate collective towards the good of raising children either separately or together, there resides opposition. Unfortunately, it is the child that suffers from the parental opposition. Naturally children want to love both parents equally; however, sometimes, the parents use the child as a way to get back at each other. This displaced oppostion has nothing to do with the child, but rather exists between the parents.
ReplyDeleteI agree with fsdowning..You have really hit the nail directly on the head. All the comments are good and we have to look at the welfare of the child(ren) who are involved in these situations. In my first response, yes, I am also a product of a single parent after divorce, youngest of five boys, and we all survived. I can only speak for myself and not my brothers. I hold no bad feelings or grudges against my father, who was not there, but I did forgive for him not being there and in my life. I have used this past, to move forward, and to not look back at what I can not change. My steps are already ordered....
ReplyDeleteI would have to disagree with the statement "to feel helpless". Single parent or not you have to be strong enough for your child/children to do it by yourself. Its ok to have hard times, but you can't stop your child life because of what one parent fail to do. I don't believe a mother can't teach her son how to be a man because in alot of African Ameican homes WOMEN play both roles and do a very successful job at it. No MAN should be able to take your LIFE away from YOU!
ReplyDelete"Displaced oppositional parental conflict". Wow! IF I UNDESTAND THIS CORRECTLY!!! it is the parents inability to communicate effectly that ultimately forces that child into an area where they receive all the parents displaced anger??? If this is the case i totally agree, children across the country are being forced into this type of displaced rationalism; an area where their parents completely control and sanction their views on loved ones. They tell the child all the things they want to sayy to that other parent, not thinking that they're harming the childs ability to make sense of a distressed situation they had nothing to do with. In my opinion they take away a lot of that natural luv that a child has for the parent and replace it with facts and figures. "She visited this Christmas”.. "He bought that birthday present"..... XYZ
ReplyDeleteI agree with the "Sacrifices" comment and title as well. The role of male in a household is one that simply cannot be mimicked by a woman; but the action of a father is ever so present in a minds and eyes of woman. I believe those women are somehow forced to strike a balance between the types of parents they can be; when concerning young black men. How can a young male be involved in a positive, respectful, relationship with a female when he didn’t receive the proper level of nurturing from his mother; maybe she had to Wien him off so her growth as a parent could lead her into a male dominating instructive position, either way in my opinion! Its forces the young male to consider anger as a release therapy for the unknown tension at home. Only when a male gets older can he sit back and reflect on growing and the challenges forced upon him, I believe it is this reflection that either allows the male to personally "sacrifice" the past for a better future or "retreat" to the present and perpetuate that of which he did not want to cc and conceptualize.
Growing up my father wasnt in my life my mom was in and out. my grandmother was the mommy and daddy in my life. she tought me right from wrong but on a discipline tip she couldnt control me..cursing, staying out late, doing what i want to do when i wanted to do it. it took going behind bars to see that every time she was tryi to discipline me, she was trying to protect me. had my father been in my life, both physically and mentally i may have not been in the situations i ended uo in. instead he was taking care of his disires and trying to live a dream that was never going to happen for him, neglecting his children. Angry! always angry every single day. didnt really understand why i was angry unitl i actually sat there thought about what was missing in my life and it was my father.. he if he would sacrificed a little just to show me or give me the discipline i needed i could see my self in a better predicament. as far as school, basketball, etc. i am a father as well, and if i cant rais my sons the right way, better than i was raised than i to will feel somewhat powerless. i agree with Zelda Seagraves, and i would call this phenomenon, "THE MISSSING PIECE OF CHILD INTERNAL BODY"
ReplyDeleteWow ! Mr. Smith, that is very powerful. I am sure you represent alot of children who were full of sadness, emptiness and anger but were unable to rationalize where it orignated from. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I applaud the new you !
ReplyDeleteYou know, I can relate to each story, I grew-up in a single family home as well, my father died when I was three weeks old so there was never a "bonding time" for me. I grew-up angry, feeling abstndoned and for years hated my father for "dying on me". I was in my late teens when I realized that, he didn't "die on me", he simply DIED!
ReplyDeleteAs an adult I have suffered through the agony of being a single parent after divorcing my abusive husdand. I watched my younged child suffer through the "abandonment syndrome"; happy one min., sad the next, crying for no apparent reason, wetting herself, etc. to the point I placed her in therapy! At is where we learned the source of her outburst; her father, or the lack there of!
Parents, men in particulair need to understand the role they should play in the lives of their children. Many just walk away, others, see their child/ren as a bill by paying child support. But they fail to realize the support is more that mere money, to be honest most single moms can and some do raise their families w/out the extra income. I would call this issue "The Abandonment Phenomenon"
Being a single parent as I stated before and being reared by my mother, I learned that a woman can not force a man to be part of their child's life. Parents need to realize that their actions have a big impact on their child's life. I am a firm believer that eventually the absent parent will have to explain to that child why they chose not to be in their life. A broken home does not mean a broken child.
ReplyDeleteI agree whole heartedly with you Jackie. That a broken home does not mean a broken Child. I have to say that I grew up in a single parent home also and I dont feel my home was broken. My Mom is my treasure and words can not express how much I love her for all that she has done to raise me and my sister. She made our lives as children and now adults whole. She picked up the pieces of her life when she made the descision to leave my father who was very abusive to her and she knew when she needed to get out. She provided a better life for herself and for us and I will be forever grateful. She taught me to be strong and independed. I learned by her example and I am teaching my daughters the same. Please understand, having a man in your life can be a wonderful thing if he is the right man. A man that knowns all the things it takes to be a father whether he is with his children's mother or not. A Father who takes care of his children who is there for their children whether financially, physically, and emotionally is a Man.
ReplyDeleteSo often couples are not prepared to be parents. Every relationship does not need to result into parenthood. Couples don't discuss family size before getting married, they don't purchase a house to accommodate the family they plan, or set up a savings account for their children before they are born or after. They don't weigh the pros and cons of having a baby. They may not have considered both the benefits and costs of having children. They don't appear to be committed to a relationship with a higher power, their spouse, nor the child. There's no until death due us part. At that rate, a divorce is merely a legal procedure. There's no "stickism". Sometimes even parents can be self-centered.
ReplyDeleteIn response to Demeatris Clark's post: True, parents have to be strong for their children and do what you have to do. At the same time, there are situations that leave parents "feeling helpless". Not saying they are, but that's how they FEEL. When you know your child needs that absent parent, and there is nothing you can do about it, you sometimes get that feeling of helplessness.
ReplyDeleteWomen do a great job rearing male children, yes, but there are some things we just cannot teach him. We can't understand all his feelings/urges. Women cannot tell boys how to control that sexual urge he has...our urges, as women, are very different. We can make a good attempt, but there are things that only a man can teach young boys.
Mike, Thanks for sharing your story. So many men would not have put that out. Most men would not admit that they missed that relationship with their fathers. Most would not admit they tried to figure out why they had so much anger. Society has made it so that Black men try to suppress "real" emotion. I applaud you for standing up and showing that there is STRENGTH and HEALING, in sharing real emotion. Kudos to you, my brother!
ReplyDeleteYes Mike, I do appreciate you sharing your story just as Mrs, White said. I totally agree with everyone about this single parent issue. Everyone knows someone who is a single parent or everyone knows someone who is the product of a single parent. Parenting about loving your child and raising them to be strong, healthy and productive members of society when they are older. The law says that the parent has to take care of the child until they are 18. Some single parents take care of their children, but it sometimes isn't good enough because maybe the mother has other children to take care for maybe she just doesn't want to take care of them. The mother could be there physically but mentally or emotionally she's not there. Then there are those single parents that break their backs and go the extra mile to provide for their child and to make sure that they do become productive citizens in society. I don't know why sometimes the absent parent decides not to take care of their child. They may not be ready, or they just can't financially so they don't.
ReplyDeleteI do understand where Mr Smith is coming from on the aspect of being angry with his father. I had the same feelings towards my father. But I realize that harboring those feelings wasn't letting me grow to the potential that I was capable of achieving. Being a single parent was a chose that I made. Maybe it was selfish but it was my decision. However I never kept my kids away from their fathers whether they paid child support or not. I made the decision to remain friends with him and try to embrace whomever he chose to be with as long as my children were not in harm's way. It takes more than DNA to make a person a parent. Whether a parent chooses to be a part of their child's life is entirely up to them, but in the long run they will have to be the one to explain to the child why they chose not to be apart of their life.
ReplyDeletei have to agree with keisha that everyone has made some strong and powerful thoughts on their insights on single parent and broken homes. I, fortunately enoughly, can not witness to being raised in a single parent family but I do sometimes feel like i come form a broken home. Although my dad is apart of my life, its often seems like its from a distance. i cant tell u all, everything that goes on inside my home but i can share that my mom is the rock of my family. it is her that stays strong and support me still, in these 21 yrs of my life. you would think that i would be use to my dad not showing up at the football games or blessing me with a phone call everyday as my does but it still hurts. part of me gets angry just as those individuals who never even had a father because i sometimes feel like his position isn't even worth having. so don't be so quick to believe that things will be better off with a two party household cause its not. don't get me wrong im not bashing or i don't hate my dad(anymore) but i look at my older brother as the father figure in my life. this emptiness i feel i often call Being there, without being there!
ReplyDeleteI truly understand where Mike is coming from. For years, I was very angry with my father for not being there for my brothers and also for me. Let me share as to why. I reached out to him for my graduation from high school(1982) with no results, not even a card. Two years later, my mom with my consent, sent him an invitation to my wedding. Again, no results. At that point, I did not have a father and did not acknowledge him. In 1995, my brother passed at the age of 33. I was the one who picked my father up at the airport to let him know that he had passed. During this time, I had to let what was inside of me out. I told him exactly what I had been feeling all these years of him not being there and taking care of all us. During this conversation, he was informed by me, that he was forgiven for what he had not done all these years. Our relationship changed on that day and we do communicate with each other. Mike...if there is still hatred within your heart for your father, you have to let it go from here and move forward. If there is a chance that you can communicate with him, at least give it a chance. If it is received, great! If not, then move on with your sons and show them you are a father, and most definitely a role model for them.
ReplyDeleteDana,
ReplyDeleteThat was well said. I had to find it within myself to forgive my father. And although I have forgiven him I have not forgotten.